Do you remember how when you were a kid you so badly wanted to be an adult because adults get to do whatever they want?
You’re laughing, but I’m serious.
It IS true, to some extent, right? I mean, I do get to stay up as late as I want and eat what I want and really, nobody tells me what to do. Sure, there are bosses who have demands and officers of the law who say I can’t go that fast but for all intent and purposes, I do want I want to do.
Unfortunately, it comes with a price. Because along with being able to do what I want to do are responsibilities exponentially greater than my leisure allows. So when I spend too much time doing what I want to do, all those responsibilities are still there, waiting for me.
And now you’re wondering what my point is because you already know all this.
I think I’m having a “mid life crisis”. Or an existential crisis. Or maybe just a really hard dose of reality.
I didn’t sow many oats in high school and college. I was a “good kid”, kept my nose clean, etc. And what I did sow I kept to myself and tried to not be caught. But in the past few years, I’ve found myself sowing some of those oats left in the bag. And this year, in particular, I’ve been railing against the tension of doing what I want to do and doing what I have to do.
Is this what they meant when the said it’s not all it’s cracked up to be? Probably. So here I am stuck between the thrill and the bondage of freedom. Remembering my 15 year old self who couldn’t wait to be older and living with my 35 year old self that can’t seem to accept the truth.
One foot in Neverland, the other in comfortable shoe, ready to take on the world.