Reflections

On January 1 of this {still current} year, I made a list of goals (not resolutions) for 2008. I just looked back over them and, well, ::sigh:: I’m rather disappointed in myself. They weren’t even lofty ideals, just a few things that would improve my overall well being. But in an effort to be positive, I’ll see if I can salvage anything from them.

I was going to get in a more consistent habit of going to the gym. I actually did pretty good on that one up until October, I think. And then one day, I didn’t go. And then the next day, I didn’t go. And before I knew it, the rest of the year had passed and I had not gone back.

I was going to learn a new skill. I kinda, sorta in a round about way did this. Becoming the Editor for Wedded Bliss on Blissfully Domestic has taught me a few things and stretched my writing skills. I’m very grateful to have that position and I am excited about what 2009 will bring in regards to that venture.

I was going to be a better parent. Yell less and stuff. Um…my number one read for 2009 is going to be a book called “Scream Free Parenting“, that might gave you a clue as to how that “goal” turned out! But again, all was not lost. I attended a parenting class at church this fall taught by a women that I very much admire and I can say that I’ve put into practice some of the strategies and suggestions that she gave the class.

I was going to get outside more. This one I really didn’t do so well with. I keep trying to force myself to be the outdoorsy type. The thing is, I do like being outside but only under certain conditions! I’m not very “hearty”. I don’t want to be too cold or too hot or too buggy or too muggy. And usually, I just want to sit and enjoy the outdoors. I like to read outside, I like going to outdoor venues to listen to music, even watch the occasional sporting event. Just don’t make me move around too much! Meh. I’m an outdoor curmudgeon!

I left one goal unstated because it was rather personal and private. The goal is one that I actually have for myself each year and someday I really do hope to achieve it. I want to read the entire Bible. I confess, I didn’t even make it through January last year. I will be trying again this year!

Not sure if I’ll lay this all out again for 2009. It’s a bit humbling to come back and look at the good, the bad and the ugly. What about you? Did you meet your resolutions goals? Any new ones for the 2009?

Little Miss Smartypants

I realized the other day that there seemed to be a lack of Christmas anticipation coming from my children.

I remember, as a kid, being so excited about Christmas. I could hardly stand it! It occurred to me that one reason the anticipation was so palatable was because of the presents under the tree. What was lurking inside those wrapped boxes? How many were for me? Did the presents from Uncle Bud and Aunt Madeline come yet? The days seemed to crawl by until we could finally dig into the pile and satisfy our curiosity.

My  kids have certainly been excited but there was something missing – no presents under the tree. Now the reason for that is too long and boring to expound upon here. Suffice it to say, I decided to wrap some presents to put under our tree. Some stuff for family members and a couple presents for the kids.

Each year, the children get to open a present on Christmas Eve and that present is new pajamas for them to wear that night. That’s what I decided to wrap up. I did it one night after they were bed and the next morning, GMan was the first to notice the packages under the tree. He was so excited! Exactly the reaction I was hoping for! He got down on the floor and looked and looked and kept asking about them.

Then JBelle came into the room. He excitedly pointed them out to her, waiting for her reaction. She took one look and then turned to me and glibly said, “Are those our Christmas Eve gifts?”

So much for creating anticipation!

Normal

I think I’m feeling a bit like that cartoon worm, Hermie. He asks God why he’s so…well…normal. God tells him to be patient, He’s not finished with him yet. And in the end, Hermie becomes a beautiful, rather extraordinary and certainly not normal, butterfly.

Lately I’ve been reconnecting with high school classmates on Facebook. We usually exchange e-mails or Facebook messages catching each other up on what we’ve been doing for the last 16 or so years. I typically write something like this:

David and I have been married for 13 years. We have 2 kids: JBelle, 8 and GMan, 4. We live in Nashville, TN and have been here for about 11 1/2 years now. His family is here, too. My parents are in Tampa, FL  and my sister lives here in Nashville, too.

I’m a stay-at-home mom and David is a geologist. That’s about it in a nutshell. We have a typical, American, suburban live complete with dog and mortgage!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining about my life. It’s a good life. I have much to be grateful for and I am, indeed, grateful. Yet…I can’t get past the normalcy of it. Something in me longs to shake things up a bit.

I don’t want to be normal anymore.

Wading in the shallows

Lately my life seems to be all about keeping up appearances. Being involved, but not too involved. Being “in the know”, but certainly not being known. Faking it til I make it but never actually making it anywhere.

I’m living my life wading in the shallows. It’s comfortable here. My hair doesn’t get wet. I don’t have to work to keep my head above water. I can breathe easily. The shore is nearby, so when I tire I can easily retreat. There’s lots of shiny, new things to look at and keep me distracted.

However, it’s also crowded in the shallows. More people hang out here.  It can be difficult to get some peace and quiet. Most of the time I can just blend in and be one of the crowd, but other times all eyes seem to be on me and my obvious flaws. And each time the tide comes in and subsequently recedes, my gaze is inexplicably drawn out, past the shallows, into the deep.

It looks peaceful and calm there. Not as crowded or loud. Not as exposing and judgmental. Somewhere in my heart, I long for the deep.

Yet tiny pinpricks of doubt dance around me. Can I survive there? It’s really hard work hanging out in the deep. I’ll have to concentrate and take some risks. The safety of the shore will be gone. What if I fail? I’m so afraid.

Which is why you find me here. A life jacket securely fastened around me but the water lapping around no higher than my knees.

The shallows are both my beloved home and my detested prison.

Christmastime is Here

Finally!

Yay for Christmas music and decorations and peppermint mochas from Starbucks!

Yay for Christmas shopping and parties and lights on houses!

Yay for snow, sort of, today! (It didn’t stick but it sure looked pretty coming down.)

Yay for the beginning of Advent and Advent Vespers services on Wednesday nights.

Just yay! 🙂